World Mental Health Day | Lisa's Beauty Spot

World Mental Health Day 2015

I don't really blog on Saturdays, but today I had to. Today (Saturday October 10th) is World Mental Health Day. A lot of people, including myself live with mental health issues and I've been umming and arring whether to post these details about myself, but it's a huge part of my life I've had to deal with and learn to understand. 

For as long as I can remember I've had severe self confidence and self esteem issues. I was bullied throughout my childhood which was the start of these issues, they haven't really improved much to this day. 

I went through early puberty (at around age 9-10) and this destroyed all confidence I had left in myself. I felt like a freak, I looked a lot older than everyone my own age, and this brought on even more bullying. I moved Primary schools to try and help the situation, and it did get better. Secondary school was hell though. The bullying got worse, and as I got older I started to blame myself and believe the things that were being said to me, I began to hate myself and didn't trust anyone. If someone would say something nice to me I'd believe they were joking and just tormenting me. 

I always wanted to be on my own, even though this was when I would dwell on my thoughts, and convince myself I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything. The first time I self harmed, everyone around me assumed I did it for attention, and I got bulled for that as well. I wouldn't tell anyone why I'd done it, and just wanted to hide it. I'd done it because I hated myself, I didn't care for myself and I didn't tell anyone. I just tried to be myself, and just dealt with it alone. People pretended to care, just to be nosey and to find out why I was crying. I'd then be called pathetic and to just 'get on with it'. 

I was a sitting target, I'd cry when I was bullied. It made me weak and smashed me down. I always feel like I lost a little bit more of me when it happened. I felt myself just... Disappearing. I often wondered if disappearing would be the answer. I never told anyone, but I was suicidal. At it's worse point, I didn't care what anyone would think if I'd gone - friends, family.. Anyone. I wanted it to stop.

I coped through. I wrote down my feelings in diaries.. I wanted it to feel like I was expelling the feelings out, but it wasn't working. I always felt down, I'd cry for no reason (Always on my own) I didn't want sympathy I just wanted it to stop. 

When I went to College I met some great people, but I pushed them away . It was the first time I'd had friendship, and I was frightened. When I've made friends I've always struggled to keep them. And, I literally did everything in my power but nobody seemed to understand. I didn't understand.

I began to understand anxiety when I was in my late teens. And it's always something I've had. I don't like to leave the house on my own, or be in the house on my own. I just always figured I suffered with anxiety and depression.

In August of this year, I went on a business trip with my boyfriend - August 11th I went to bed like normal in the hotel... But had possibly one of the worst nights of my life to date. I woke at 2:30am to Mark shaking me violently to wake me up, I'd been having a nightmare where I'd heard someone screaming and saw curdling blood trickling down. The person I could hear screaming... Was me. I'd been screaming for over a minute straight and Mark couldn't wake me up. When I did finally wake up, he told me I'd been screaming the most horrible, blood curdling scream and then broke down crying... I had terrified him. 

I went to see a doctor when we got back, because from then on I have been hallucinating and hearing things. I was terrified of schizophrenia, as I have family history of severe mental illness. So I went to see my GP and she referred me to my local mental health team. The appointment was for the 11th September - a month after the first, terrifying incident. The doctor wasn't great, she was very dismissive and almost diagnosed me when I walked through the door. She showed more interest in Mark than what she did me. It hurt because I tried to get help, and I felt deeply disappointed. I got a letter come through saying I'd been given an appointment for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) for the end of October. I struggle with opening up, and I feel she really hadn't listened when I told her this. CBT is all talking... So I went to see my GP and explained what had happened and how I felt. She agreed this wasn't right, and wanted to see me straight after my first session to see how it went and how I felt about it. I'm honestly terrified for it, and if it doesn't work or I struggle with it I'm not quite sure what's next.

My GP is lovely, and wants to help me so she's said if I struggle she'll discuss more options with me. This is what the mental health doctor should have done, but she didn't. 

There was a mention of medication in the future, and I don't want that. It would have to be a last resort. 

Accepting something isn't right, and that mental illness is a real thing and is as bad as other illnesses was the hardest thing to do. Always being told it's in your head and it will pass was the worst thing that I could have been told. I never wanted to go for help, because I was scared I wouldn't get it or they wouldn't believe me. It was the sleepless nights and hallucinations that made me go. It's not right, and it's terrifying. Your own head can be your worst enemy, and it's been mine these last few months. The nightmares I've been having these last few weeks have been bad, and whilst I wait 6-8 weeks between appointments I kind of feel lost. The GP prescribed a sleeping tablet, which hasn't been working. 

I am happy I am in the beginning of getting help with these issues, and I'm hoping I will eventually have an answer as to what it is. My GP has ruled out schizophrenia (for now) but they want to keep an eye on me for the next few years, as I do have a lot of symptoms. But, that could of course be something else underlying. 

I'm going to be having a lot of blood tests over these next few weeks. My thyroids ect. You name it, I'm probably getting tested for it. I'm also gonna be having some brain.. Stuff done. lol brain stuff. 

Thank you for reading my story everyone. I'd appreciate it if you could share it! <3

Please follow me on Twitter

Lisa ♥